The ABC’s of Emotion

Picture this…

You are walking down the street and see a friend of yours walking on the other side, talking on the phone. You are excited to see them and wave profusely to get their attention. They turn and look right at you…, but then glance away and walk around the corner out of sight. You are confused. You could swear they saw you, they looked right at you. The more you think about it, the angrier you feel. “What a jerk, what did I do to them?” you think to yourself. However, when you think through the interaction a bit more, you realize they looked really worried, and their eyes were red. Then you remember their mother had been sick recently and was scheduled to have surgery sometime soon. At that point, anger fades to concern as you think through what that phone call could have been about. 

Many people believe that our emotions are based solely on the things that happen to us or around us; meaning we are completely at the mercy of external circumstances and our emotions are nothing more than a base reaction, much like sweating on a hot day.  However, psychologist Albert Ellis believed that it is not an event that causes our emotions, but rather our beliefs about that event that result in our emotions. He proposed a structure for emotions that looks like A + B = C. In this formula, A = the actuating event, B = the belief about that event, and C = the consequential emotion.  So when something happens (A), our beliefs (B) about that event is what causes our emotional response ( C). This understanding of emotions can become a very powerful tool for emotional regulation. All it takes is a little bit of self-awareness. 

When you find yourself feeling very emotional (angry, sad, frustrated,etc.), especially if the event does not seem to warrant the emotion, ask yourself these questions.

What am I feeling?

Identifying the emotion is a great place to start. You cannot begin to question why you feel the way you do if you don't know what emotion you are actually feeling. If you’re having a hard time identifying the emotion, you can use an emotion wheel like this one from the Gottman Institute. 

Looking at the story above: “I am feeling angry after that interaction with my friend.”

What is the belief that is causing this feeling?

The belief can be difficult to identify but will get easier with practice. If you are angry after someone cuts you off, the belief could be “that person thinks they’re better than me”. If someone gives you criticism and you find yourself angry afterward, the belief could be “they think I am an idiot”. At this stage, do not critique the belief, just try to identify it.

“The belief influencing my anger is that my friend saw me and chose to ignore me.” 

Is this about something else?

Don’t be surprised if your belief has nothing to do with the event. It could be that your emotion is transferred from something else and just found an outlet in that moment. For instance, if your girlfriend broke up with you, then an hour later you get explosively angry when someone accidentally bumps into you, it is not about the accident. Don’t start critiquing the belief until you put it in the right context. 

I did just get passed over for a promotion, so perhaps I am really sensitive right now to feeling ignored. 

Is this belief accurate? 

Now that you’ve determined the belief is about the right thing, this is where you need to start critiquing your belief. Put the belief on trial and ask yourself what evidence is for or against the belief. Make a list if you need to and write it out “for” and “against”. In the end look at the evidence and be honest with yourself.  (Albert Ellis calls this step “D” or Disputation) 

For

He looked at me and turned away

Against

He looked distracted and worried

His eyes were red

It is not normal for him to ignore a friend

What new beliefs should I have?

Now that you have critiqued your belief and realized that it is not 100% accurate, re-work it to make it accurate. 

“Now I believe that my friend just did not see me because he was focused on the call.”

What new emotion do I feel now?

Now that you have a new belief, plug that back into the equation, and see what your new “C” emotion is. It could very well be that you go through this process and determine that the emotion you are feeling is completely valid and correct, but often we discover that we are bringing extra baggage into the equation that is making us feel ways that are inconsistent with the event. 

“With this new belief, I am worried about my friend now rather than angry. I hope his mother is ok.”

What do I need to do now?

Now that you have identified your new emotion, how are you going to move forward? You have now discovered and changed your irrational belief, how does that change what you do next? (Ellis calls this “E” or Effective belief/behavior)

“I will try not to jump to conclusions in the future, and I am going to reach out and see how my friend is doing and offer to help him if I can.”

Understanding the ABC’s of emotion and using this process can help you better understand yourself, and better interact with those around you.