How to Help a Friend in Difficult Times

What is the first thing you do when your world feels like it is crashing down around you? You get a call from the doctor telling you it’s cancer, a call from your father saying your mother is sick, or you get called into a meeting with HR and are told you are being let go from your job that you love; what do you do first? Most people would say they’d call a family member or a friend. It is human nature. We are relational beings, we find strength in community, so when we feel like our strength is not enough, we reach out to those around us who we feel we can trust. 

We all expect our friends and family to be there for us when we need them, but how are we there for our friends when they need us most? Here are some tips on helping your loved ones in times of  difficulty:

1. Be quiet

Someone  recently said to me as we were discussing a tragedy that had befallen a mutual friend , “I want to help, but I just don't know what to say.” His comment conveys what most of us feel when faced with someone else’s tragedy. We often feel the need to say something, as though the perfect comment will give them comfort or make everything better. Maybe we think we need to say something because we feel like we have to know the answers or because we are uncomfortable with silence. The truth is, our friends who are suffering tragedy know nothing can be said, they don't expect you to come and make everything better. They just want to know they are not alone in their struggle; they want to know someone cares. So when you come to support a friend in their grief, just listen. Maybe they want to talk, maybe they don't. Maybe they want to reminisce about their loved one that passed, maybe they just need to cry for a while. The best thing you can do is just be quiet and listen. When you go to be with a friend in need, bring your ears, but leave your mouth at home.

2. Be present

 It can be quite telling when you go through tragedy: who is there with you and who is conspicuously absent. The worst kind of friend is one who does not know what to do or say in times of tragedy, but rather than working through their own uncomfortability with life’s uncertainty, they just avoid you, leaving you to deal with your pain alone. No one likes a fair-weather friend; like an umbrella that breaks the first time you use it, they leave you out in the rain. When a friend is in need, don’t abandon them to deal with it alone, be present. 

3. Be intentional

Intentionality is vital, especially if you have limited capacity. A  friend who is intentional about a weekly hour-long visit in which they are quiet and present can be so much more impactful than someone who is always around, but talks all the time and is sporadic in their communication. Additionally, being intentional about ways to help practically is so much more helpful than just telling someone “let me know if you need anything”. Often someone in tragedy cannot think clearly to say what they need, or perhaps does not know the parameters around “anything”. Instead, try saying very practically what you can do. Offer to bring food one evening a week (being aware of dietary restrictions), or give a gift card for delivery, so they don't have to think about cooking. If they have kids, perhaps offer to watch the kids for an hour or two so they can get respite, or offer to just come over to do the dishes or basic household chores. Often those are the type of things they need even if they can't think of it or are embarrassed to ask. 

A friend who is quiet, seeking to listen first before they speak, who is present, there when needed, and who is intentional, clear about when and how they can help, is a wonderful support to a friend in need. Make a resolution to be that kind of friend when life is hard. Be the friend you’d want to be there on your darkest days.