Why Communication is So Important in Counseling and How to Communicate in Relationships

When discussing communication, it’s essential to define what communication is. Communication is imparting and exchanging information. There is a constant flow of taking in and putting out information. At times, we are so concerned with what our output will be (because that is most valuable to us at that moment) that we lose what we should take in. When we generally think of communication. We think of how we speak to one another.

An essential part of communication is listening, not speaking. We know how we talk to one another is incredibly important, but how we listen is even more critical.

Relationships are supposed to be therapeutic. We shouldn’t listen to react, respond, or prove a point. We want to listen to get to know each other better. These concepts can cultivate a healthy and open communicative life, leading to peace.

I have three parts of listening that are vital to sustaining healthy communication.

1. Listen to understand, not respond 

We miss what the other person is saying when we listen to respond and not solely take in information. We have all been in conversations where we did not feel like we were listened to well, and on the other hand, there are conversations where we haven’t listened to someone else well.

I’ll let you peek into my life a little bit. I grew up within a Christian authoritative family dynamic. You cannot ask questions, but if you attempt to, you are immediately told that whatever you say is insignificant. Whatever Mom and Dad said – that’s it.  

At times as adults respond to children, we respond to other adults. And the reality is we shouldn’t speak to children like that either. It comes down to feeling that what we say is more significant. Sometimes you have to prove your point. Sometimes you have to get this thing off of your chest.

Listening takes practice, and no one will do it perfectly, but you can allow whoever you are talking to finish their thought before responding.

If you are like me and forget what you want to say while they are talking - jot things down on your phone. Or ask them to repeat it. It is vital to get the complete picture of what someone else is saying before responding because that ultimately leads to more understanding. 

2. Find the meaning in conversations

You know when you are in the midst of conflict, and you and the other person experience the same situation in two very different ways? This is where looking for the power of meaning is salient. It is vital to avoid making assumptions based on your understanding of things. Before assuming, ask questions. 

Simple questions like:

• What do you mean by that?

• Can you tell me more about that?

• I don’t think I understand entirely. Can you explain that again?
  
  
  

These questions filter out areas of miscommunication and get to the root quicker. Clarity allows both parties to respond in an effective and well-intentioned manner. Now, in those times when assumptions are made and you are wrong.

Admit it. Apologize. Make it right.

Many things in life aren’t just black and white; a lot is grey. So much goes into how we think and why we think the way we do. We cannot discount someone’s life before they met us and say what they believe was wrong and what we thought was correct.

So, less right versus wrong and more “it’s just different.” Ask questions. Listen to them with an open mind and hear them.

Find the meaning.

3. Using the PACE (pause and consider everything) model for communication

The practice of pausing will eliminate a lot of unnecessary mind juggling.

Pausing allows you to think before you speak. After listening to everything someone says, particular words usually stand out. It’s probably the ones that caused some emotional reaction inside of you. It is easy to react to that initial feeling because it is familiar. But the practice of pausing allows you to take your time in responding.

Considering refers to taking the facts of the conversation and responding to those instead of assumptions or emotional reactions. Finding the meaning helps eliminate a lot of speculation, but considering allows you to distinguish facts from non-facts.

Considering also allows you to check in with yourself about what expectations you came into this conversation and address them with yourself. Expectations are tricky because they must be communicated for someone else to know. Usually, we expect someone to respond differently to us than they do, which leads to disappointment and frustration.

All the time you spend together may make you believe they should know and be sure, but consider what expectations you had, whether they were communicated or not, and respond with the information you have. Regarding conflict, it can also be helpful to say that you must gather your thoughts before responding.

In the heat of things, it is expected to be upset and disappointed that they have to walk away from the conversation. So, if you need to walk away, and practice pausing and considering everything, then you can do that. If your partner needs time to do this, let them do it. If that sounds familiar, you can also regulate your emotions by walking, listening to music, or doing something healthy you enjoy. 

But time allows space to consider everything, and the response will be better when they take that time to think.

We are all in some form of relationship, whether at work, school, with family, friends, or romantic partners.

Communication skills are vital to having healthy connections within the multiple relationships we find ourselves in. Try these three steps out in your following conversation and observe if you feel different afterward.